What's the deal with Charlie?
by MissDemeanours
Summary: Diary entries and letters from Charlie's new friends just before they meet Charlie right to the end of the book. The same events happen as in the book/film but from Patrick's perspective. However the focus is still on Charlie.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Meet Patrick**

September 7th, 1991

Dear friend,

I am writing to you because I didn't know who else to tell and if you only knew me you would know that not telling anyone is an impossible task! I know last time I wrote to you, I was, to keep things brief, a mess. Brad was consuming more alcohol than a small college sorority, and I was considering joining him. Well, I guess I have Sam to thank for keeping me steady during that time. She, of all people I guess, knows what it's like when drinking takes over who you are, and she was able to remind me that it wasn't worth it. Anyway, we spent a lot of lonely Saturday nights hanging out together at home like the pair of losers we are. Sitting there, slouched in front of Saturday Night Live with our cocoa and our blanket, you wouldn't think we were seniors in the prime of our lives. Yet, it felt good. I felt like I meant more than some drunken night. It was hard, seeing him in school, wasted out of his mind, flinching whenever I came near like I was this terrible contagious disease he didn't want to be infected with. It hurt like hell.

A few weeks of this went on and I thought I was getting over him, but I guess I had just become numb to the feeling of rejection. That is, until yesterday. Yesterday I saw him again. Or rather, he saw me. (I've been staring at him for weeks now), because for the first time in months he looked up across the school hall and really looked at me, and I knew I had him back. He showed up later that night, he must have heard through the grapevine about mine and Sam's parents being on holiday and taken a chance. I felt him first. I was in my bedroom and I knew he was outside, staring up at me. A part of me wanted to pull the blind down and walk away, show him just how powerful just simply ignoring someone can be. Unfortunately for me I was already down the stairs and in his arms before this thought even entered my head.

For someone who didn't even acknowledge my existence a few weeks back, he had a hell of a lot to say. He said things that sound really cliché in books and films and then when someone says them to you your totally blown away like its the most sincere thing you've ever heard. Things like 'It wasn't you it was me, I never meant to hurt you, I needed space, I'm so confused' etcetera, etcetera. So he said these things and I said some things too and then we ended up fooling around in bed together like we always do. So I guess this is an event that I've written to you a thousand times over by now.

Anyway, the reason I'm telling you any of this all over again this time is because for once, he was sober, and I thought you of all people would know how much more important that was than any of the clichéd movie lines in the world.

Love Always

Patrick


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

September 18th, 1991

Dear friend,

I may have underestimated the predictability of high school. It is entirely boring. If life's biggest lesson is to prepare for the inevitable boredom and monotony of working life than high school has perfected this to a fine art. It got to the stage where I was forced to impersonate my tyrannical wood shop teacher just to save the rest of the class from the depths of despair. Unfortunately, Mr Callahan is so egotistical and narrow minded he merely saw my impersonation as a direct insult to himself and ignored the needs of the masses. He therefore insisted on degrading me to the class as some sort of twisted revenge (As if taking freshman shop in my senior year isn't bad enough. Heck, as if just taking shop isn't bad enough!). So as I sauntered back to my seat I caught the eye of a cute freshman checking me out (that's what happens in my version of events anyway). In reality he is probably as predictable as the rest of the drones at this school and was laughing along with the crowd at my new found nickname. (The ever so original, nothing). I mean, aren't teacher's supposed to prevent this kind of bullying, not lead the mob?

It's all for the best anyway. (The freshman laughing at me I mean). I doubt Brad would have taken the news of my secret admirer very well, what with us being all sober and loved up these days.

Love Always

Patrick


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

October 6th, 1991

What is there to tell you? The past month Brad and I have been meeting up in secret again, but this time, he's been sober, every single time. It's so refreshing to wake up and not hear those fatal words "Man, I was so wasted last night" followed by a day of him just avoiding my eye as if looking directly at me would make it all real. Now he steals quick glances my way, as I have done to him for as long as I can remember. It's been so long that I don't even have to look to know he is there. It's still a secret but that's okay. At least this time it's as though were both in on it.

Okay, so, maybe I was wrong about the secret admirer (or rather, a lack thereof), maybe he does actually like me. Either that or there is someone out there more desperate than I am to make a friend that isn't a member of my family.

Let me explain. Tonight, as is our routine, Sam and I staked out some prime seats to watch the school football match. Now, I've always liked football (who doesn't?) but now that Brad's on the team, I cheer for the team like I've got millions riding on it. Brad is the star player on the team, everyone knows it. If I had breasts I'd be the most popular person in the entire school this year. Sadly, my lack of estrogen means that the football match is the only time I ever feel part of a coupe like other couples do. The star player, out on the field, and his lover, cheering him on in the wings. We could be any couple tonight. Except, when the games over and the sea of people disperses, so will the dream, and me and Brad won't walk home hand in hand like all the other couples. Still, for those couple of hours, I get to pretend.

Anyway, so there I am, waving my arms around like a lunatic, when the flirty freshman from shop class (the one who was actually probably laughing at me), he sidles over. I was so engrossed in the way Brad flexed his thigh muscles when he bent to pick up the ball I didn't know if he'd deliberately waited for Sam to go to the bathroom or whether this was mere coincidence.

I studied him out of the corner of my eye. He was nervous, shaking slightly, and his eyes kept flickering over to me, each time embarrassed to see that I'd noticed him. He definitely fancied the pants off of me.

"Hey, you're in my shop class!" I said, because quite frankly, this weird thing with us both pretending not to be looking at the other was getting embarrassing.

"I'm Charlie" he said, like some sort of declaration to the people. This was not homophobics anonymous, this was a football game.

"And I'm Patrick" I said quickly. I might as well try and quell the spread of "Nothing" Whilst I still can. "And this is Sam" I added, relieved that she was finally back. Sam is always more tactful in these situations than me and my runner mouth. He seemed to like talking to Sam as much as me (if not more so) which only confused me further. If he was looking for some creepy three way he best look elsewhere. Sam, however, obviously took a shine to him. It's always fatal when Sam takes a shine to anyone, because it probably means they'll be around for a while, and I wasn't sure I wanted some unknown freshman creeping into the social circle. It might scare Brad back into his cubby hole. Alas, Sam, from now to eternity, will always have her way, and he ended up coming back to the Big Boy with us for burger and fries. The plus side being that he paid, which I told Sam only proves his ulterior motive. She told me not everyone's like that and she had a "feeling". I would have liked to have pointed out at this point that her "feelings" had proved to be very unreliable in the past, but I figured that was probably crossing some invisible line. A bit like when an old lady cuts you up in the line at the supermarket. Everyone thinks she's a bitch but nobody says it because she might die soon.

Love Always

Patrick


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

October 14th , 1991

Dear friend,

I was taking my usual morning smoke round the back of the school, waiting for Sam to arrive, thinking about Brad in his football shorts, when I see her approaching with Charlie. That's that weird Freshman I was telling you about. He seems to be popping up all over the place at the moment. "Hey, I think Charlie has a Charlie-esque crush on me" said Sam. I was about to say I thought he had a crush on everyone, and would one day plot to kill us all because his mother never hugged him enough as a child, but I saw his red, puffy eyes and thought better of it. "He does, huh?" He must have seen the look on my face because he just said "I'm trying not to", which made me laugh. Who hasn't tried not to have a crush on Sam? She's adorable, I'd fall for her myself if only she had an adam's apple. I felt bad for the kid then. Sure, he came across as a bit needy and clueless, but how much does it suck to love someone when you know they don't want you? 7 months I listened to Brad pretend we were nothing after we'd be intimate together. 7 fucking months. At least with Sam, she was a heartbreaker, but she did have a heart herself. The problem we have here is Sam is a bag of mess herself, looking for someone to take care of her. She's not equipped to deal with the emotional train wreck that is the mysterious Charlie, and even if she were, he's too honest, too caring. That's just not her type. They share the same role, so to speak, and that never works. So I sent Sam away and gave him a small lesson in how to talk to girls.

There was a lot of me talking about how girls need to see you as mysterious and imperfect aloof. To act like you always had something better to do. To act like you weren't too interested. Then I realised I was describing Brad, and that this might actually be how all relationships throughout history work. One caring sucker running around after a complete prick who loves them simply because they don't love them back. Is that the reason I love Brad so much? I don't know, I'm getting sidetracked here. Back to Charlie.

The worrying thing with Charlie is that he looked sombre and nodded a lot and actually believes every word I said. Maybe I was a bit harsh about the kid. Maybe I should help him out a bit more. I mean, after all, any guy who comes to the gayest guy in school for advice on women has got to be messed up.

Love always,

Patrick


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

October 28th, 1991

Dear friend

As has become custom, myself, Sam and Charlie spent our Friday evening in the usual spot on the bleachers, cheering on the football team. Which can be roughly translated into an evening of Charlie failing to chat up Sam whilst I ogle over Brad. This night would be different though, because I knew that this time Brad was coming home with me. (If by home, we mean Bob's party). Okay, so it wasn't exactly going home with me, but it was the next best thing. I invited Charlie to come with us, in the hope that he would be able to use my knowledge and expertise on Sam, because Lord knows Sam needs to start dating someone nice for a change. Unfortunately they're both far too nice. I mean, come on, nice was never sexy. Ever. Brooding? Now that's hot. I endured this for about 2 hours before what appeared to be the longest football game in history finally came to an end. I dashed out into the driver's seat of the pick-up truck and sped over to Bob's house.

Bob opened the door "Patrick, known as Patty, known as nothing" Fan-fucking-tastic. 'Nothing' was here to stay. "Bob" I replied. Then we hugged. Then he hugged Sam, and Charlie, because with the amount Bob had obviously been smoking that night, he would have hugged our shop teacher given half the chance.

We descended into the smoky basement where Mary Elizabeth and Alice dominated the main sofa. Still no sign of Brad. I pulled out a cigarette and offered one to Sam. I bypassed Charlie, because I figured if I got the chance again I probably wouldn't have taken that first drag on a cigarette. Charlie was considered fresh meat by Mary Elizabeth and Alice and they pounced on him, bombarding him with the sort of questions usually reserved for distant relatives visiting over Christmas. The "What subjects are you taking?" "What's your grade point average?" etcetera etcetera. Just as I was about to take the floor with my Freddie Mercury routine (to relieve us all from the boredom) I spotted Brad, loitering at the back, watching. Even in this safe, enclosed group, he refused to approach me. "I'll be right back" I told them. I brushed past him and into the kitchen, busying myself by searching for a drink from the fridge. I glanced straight at him as I turned back around, and headed upstairs, a signal for him to follow. I picked our usual room (Bob had a lot of parties) and waited. Then I glanced around at all the photos and ornaments on display, like I had done a thousand times before. Brad always took ages following, so depressingly paranoid about what other people might think, even if it's true.

I eventually started reading this book about the Vietnam war, which, I can only assume, is not Bob's. Finally I heard the door creak open, and Brad was standing there, peering in.

I approached him and he stole a glance behind him, quickly shutting the door. "Did you tell anyone?" He asked, as he does every time. "Why would I?" I replied, placing my arms around him and kissing his neck. "Mmm I missed you" I whispered, breathing him in.

He pulled away then. That was the thing with Brad. Verbally flirting or acknowledging what we were doing. It spooked him. I know he's not a dear but its the best way to describe his reaction. It's not like that when were touching each other though. Then his face becomes deadly serious, like he's been hypnotised or in some sort of trance. Hey, maybe that's what his defence will be if we ever get caught. There's always a sense of urgency with Brad, as if what we're doing, its the last time it will ever happen. It's a bit of a turn on, but I wish he'd realise that next week we'll just fuck each other all over again. Needless to say sex with Brad is intense. Which is why neither of us realised when the door opened again. That is not until Charlie crashed into the bedside table "Oops, sorry" He said, dazed, and strolled back out. I had to suppress a laugh. I'd never seen Charlie so clumsy, he was obviously stoned out of his mind. I looked at Brad, who, as i suspected, was freaking out.

"Who was that?" he hissed at me, as if I'd planned the whole thing.

"Calm down, he's my friend, I'll sort it out" I told him, and I readjusted my clothes before following him outside.

When I did I saw him staring at himself in the mirror, repeating his name. Sometimes I just did not get Charlie at all.

"Charlie..." I began, looking into his eyes. Yep, he was stoned alright. "Are you baked?"

"Like a fucking cake" he replied, giggling. A line no doubt he'd recited from Bob. Christ, what sort of a friend was I? I worry about a small cigarette then leave him to get high in the basement. A kid like Charlie has enough internal angst without weed.

"Listen Charlie, Brad doesn't want people to know. I need you to promise you won't tell anyone. This will be our little secret. Okay?" I told him quietly.

"Okay" He said, like it was no big deal.

"Thanks" I replied, because for some reason, I knew that he meant it.

I went back to Brad to try and rectify the situation, but he wouldn't let me touch him anymore that night.

We chatted for a bit, but I could tell he just wanted me to go so I sauntered downstairs. Bob made a wisecrack about me fancying the quarterback of the football team and I knew without a doubt Charlie had kept his word, and in that moment, I loved him.

"He's something isn't he?" I said, to no one imparticular, pointing towards Charlie.

"He's a wallflower" I continued, sitting down next to Charlie. "You see things, you keep quiet about them, and you understand" I was trying to be nice, to let him know that I appreciated what he did for me, but he got this anxious look on his face and started crying.

Bob, for once, did something sweet and raised his glass. "To Charlie" He said. I joined him, one arm around an emotional Charlie "To Charlie" I said, and smiled at him. Then I told him I'd take him home, because I was worried that I might get distracted and he'd have some more weed and turn into a real mess.

As we got into the truck Sam squeezed Charlie's hand, then she asked me to do the thing, and I could have kissed her. If anything would cheer Charlie up it would be the thing.

The thing? Okay let me explain. Back when our parents first got together, a year or so ago, Sam was pretty messed up. I mean she still is, but, you know, worse than just normal teenage stuff. She was out of control, so her mum had bribed me to keep an eye on her. I know what you're thinking, I'm a shit who just hangs out with her for the money, and maybe at first it was like that. I'd drive her around to all these parties where she'd get wasted and hook up with some guy who couldn't remember her name, then I'd hold back her hair whilst she puked up and drive her home. Job done. Then there was this one night, where I just couldn't take it anymore. You see, she had no idea how lucky she was. It was easy for her. Find a guy, go on some dates and live happily ever after. She didn't need to go around getting wasted all the time. I could never just walk up to someone and ask them on a date, not a guy anyway. So, one night, after I held back her hair. I told her as much. So she told me I shouldn't tell anyone how to live their life and I said I could if I was the one running around after her all the time and she said she didn't need anyone to run around after her anyway. Then I got pretty personal and said I didn't want to anyway I was only doing it for the money and that I didn't care about her and she said being gay didn't make me any different to all the other guys in the world and then she burst into tears and I felt like shit. So I said I was sorry it wasn't meant to come out that way and she could have the money if she'd let me take her home. She said "Shove your fucking money I'm not going home" so I took her for a drive around town, both us deadly silent. Then we went under this tunnel, and she got this strange look in her eye. She stood up, and stretched out her arms. I was worried about how drunk she was and yelled at her to get down but she wouldn't. She just did this raw scream, the type that comes from the pit of your stomach and rises up. Then we came out the other side and she sat back down and we didn't say another word the whole time. We spent a lot of nights after that in the same routine, except I didn't take the money or tell her what I really thought about her getting drunk and hooking up with random guys anymore. She'd get drunk, fool around, puke, then I'd drive us under the tunnel, then we'd go home. We didn't really say 2 words to each other most nights. Then one night when we pulled up outside the house, she told me about all the things her dad's boss had done to her, and how she wished she could never have started doing the stupid drunk stuff with boys but now that was what everyone thought of her no one would date her anyway. I told her even a gay guy would still date her over me, so I wouldn't worry about it. Then I told her she was beautiful and this song came on the radio and we sat and listened to it play all the way through before going inside.

That was over a year ago now. It's hard for me to look back and see how I treated her. I can be such a bitch sometimes. Now I'd do anything in the world for her. So of course when she asked to do the thing I said yes, and she stood up in the back of the truck, the cold wind rushing towards her face, and this amazing song came on the radio just at that exact moment, like we'd planned it. Anyway. I looked over at Charlie, and he had this strange look on his face. It wasn't a happy look. The thing with Charlie is, he's so quiet, but in an intense way. You know? All these deep thoughts seem to be going on inside his head, but it's as if he's too scared to tell anybody. "Charlie, what's up?" I asked him, and he turned to me and just said, soft and spaced out "I feel infinite". It was so simplistic and accurate. It made me want to laugh and cry at the same time, and I understood it like the thought was in my own mind before he even said it. I didn't know what the deal was with Charlie, but I did know then that he was one of us, and we were infinite.

Love always

Patrick.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

November 7, 1991

Dear friend,

I have decided that I'm not going to fuck things up with Charlie like I did with Sam in the beginning. I think it was the evening in the tunnel that made me realise how nasty I can be at first. I guess it's just a defence mechanism. Anyway, we've been spending a lot of time together, and I figured it was time I told him the truth about Brad and I. All of it. If he was going to keep the secret he might as well know what it is after all.

It wasn't easy, because it meant admitting a lot of awful home truths. Like the fact that I used to be a popular kid, with Brad and the rest of them. I knew then that I liked Brad more than just in a friend sense. Then there was this one night, where we (the popular kids) were all at a party and Brad and I got really drunk (so Brad claims) and everyone else had left the basement and gone upstairs to fool around or pass out or whatever. I sat and stared at him for the longest time, and he just stared back. I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I tried to keep up small talk with him, thinking he'd get bored and go upstairs. Except he didn't, he just kept staring at me, learning in closer and listening intently to all the bullshit I could think of about what my parents did for a living and other nonsense that no one ever really cares about. Then he leant to put his drink down, rather clumsily, and I felt his fingers brush over mine, it was like an electric shock coursing through my body. I found myself holding on to it. Holding onto him. He looked down at my hand on his, and then before I could process anything I was kissing him, hard, passionately, and he kissed me back. It was rough, and raw and powerful. It felt like this deafening silence had finally ended between us. He pulled me hard and close towards him and I let him. I let him trail his hands up and down my body, grabbing me hard at my shoulders, my waist, and my bum. I felt this red hot heat in my groin and it was rising up through my stomach. I grabbed him back. I felt his hands reach under my clothes and touch me, and this noise escaped me that I didn't realise I could make, and then everything just melted into me and him. We didn't have sex that night. We didn't have sex for a long time because every night started out like this. Except the small talk got smaller until we were just itching for the last person to leave so we could grab hold of each other. It became an obsession between us. The next morning, he would always deny it, and a part of me would believe that he really couldn't remember. But as the weeks turned into months I knew that he knew exactly what we were doing.

He tried not to, of course. He started drinking and smoking heavily, and it wasn't just when we were about to fool around anymore, it was all the time. He stumbled into school a complete space cadet. Then one day, a little while after me and Sam made up after the tunnel fight (I left most of the Sam stuff out when I told Charlie, because it's really not my story to tell), I realised I couldn't pretend to be that sort of a person anymore. The sort of person that thought easy girls like Sam brought it upon themselves. Because I knew that wasn't who Sam was and that she didn't bring it upon herself. I also knew that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with Brad ignoring my existence. So when Sam threw a party at our house with her not so cool friends, Mary Elizabeth and Alice, I stayed, because it wasn't the popular kid party, and I knew if I went to the popular party I didn't have the willpower to resist Brad at the end of the night.

What I did not expect was for Brad to come search me out the way he did. To come to my house, for everyone to see, when at school he could barely look at me.

I tried to act cool the whole night, pretending he wasn't even there. It was a pointless exercise. I felt his eyes burning into the back of my head. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I made an escape to my room. I sat on the bed, holding my head and wondering how I was ever going to dig myself out of this mess, when I saw two feet standing in the doorway. I looked up to see him, staring at me. He closed the door and moved towards me. I sat paralysed on the bed. We stayed that way for some time. "I love you" it was barely a whisper, and even now I find it hard to believe that he really said it. Like maybe I just made it up in my mind. All I know is that I stood up, and moved towards him. I didn't kiss him. I just stared at him. I peeled off his clothes slowly, like he was wounded. Then I took off my own, and I felt him. I felt every indent, every imperfection, every muscle. His skin was warm and soft and for the first time he seemed vulnerable, like he didn't know what to do. So I led him to the bed and made love to him. I'd never done it before but it felt so natural, so perfect. When it was over, I heard this deep, terrifying sob wrack its way through Brad. His whole body shook with the force of it. I put my arms around him to hug him but he flinched away from me. It was like someone had given me the greatest feeling in the world and then cruelly ripped it away again. I told him I loved him but it just made him cry even harder. He wouldn't stop and it was starting to make me cry as well. So I did the only thing I could think of. The clothes I had so delicately peeled off of him I just as gently put back on. Like a giant doll. I told him "pretend you're passed out" which came out sounding harsher than it was meant because at this point I was trying to keep it together. Then I went downstairs and let Sam sort out the sorry mess I had made. I hadn't really told her I was gay or about me and Brad or anything about that night, but she just seemed to know anyway. I guess that's why I love her so much. Brad ended up being driven home by his parents, which was a sad ending really, and then we didn't see each other again until that night I told you about last month.

Charlie is probably the easiest person to tell a story like this to. He's not like me, who would try to crack some joke to lighten the mood and make things more awkward, and he's not like Sam, who just ended up crying herself. He just soaks it all in to those deep blue eyes of his, that already seem so full of sadness. The problem is I have no idea why. I thought if I told him all of this stuff, if he knew I really did trust him and care about him, then he might open up. I know he told Sam the other night at the party that his friend shot himself last summer, and Sam reckons that now he has no friends. (Except of course, now he has us). The thing is, Sam said that when he said it, he just sort of brushed over the whole thing. Like it was nothing, or like Michael had just hurt his arm or something. I can't imagine saying to anybody "Oh, me and brad had sex for the first time and then he broke down. By the way, can I use your bathroom?" It's so... detached. Like I wasn't even there when it happened. Of course, other stuff's come up about Charlie as well. Stuff that's been in the rumour mill for a while but that we've never bothered to find out because we didn't know him. I know Alice said she'd heard he'd spent time in a mental institution last year, after the whole Michael incident. I don't know how true that is, and I don't really care. I mean, obviously I care, but I don't care if he's been there or not. I just care about him. I get the feeling he doesn't really know that about me. I guess that's the real reason I told him the story.

Love always

Patrick.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

November 8th, 1991

Dear friend,

It's that glorious time of year again. The time of year when myself, Sam, Mary Elizabeth and Alice get involved in amateur dramatics. (for them, anyway, I'm clearly no amateur.

Mary Elizabeth has this crazy obsession with the Rocky Horror Picture Show, so this year we're doing that. I, naturally, am playing Tim Curry's character, Frank n Furter. Im the only one with strong enough cheekbones and acting ability. Sam is playing Janet, and Brad, of course, is not playing a part. Although he has started to hang around with us on occasion, not that he'd ever admit to the popular crowd. Charlie is also sitting out on this one. He's socially awkward even in his own company let alone on a stage in front of a room full of people wearing bondage! Sam and I decided to take Charlie to the Halloween showing anyway, because I know him well enough to know he'd like to be involved anyway, even if he's not a participator. He sat and gazed at Sam the entire night as she pranced around in her corset. Man, has he got it bad. I wonder if were all that obvious about who we like? Unfortunately for Charlie Sam has started seeing this college guy. I was the one who had to break the bad news, it was like killing a puppy.

Now, personally, I'm on Charlie's side on this one. Craig, as I have observed so far, is a fucking pretentious moron. The worst part is that Sam doesn't seem to realise let alone care. Love is blind as a freaking bat (I'm trying to cut down on the swearing, by the way). Sam also develops these annoying habits around him. She's adopted this creepy, high pitched laugh, which is ridiculous. How can you change your laugh? Laughing is a spontaneous, natural reaction to humour. You can't control these types of things, which leads me to believe she secretly finds him as boring as the rest of us. Truth be told I think Mr Callahan cracks better jokes. I've tried to tell her to be herself but she won't, or can't, I don't know. It's like she's so scared that he might see who she really is, and he might not like her enough, that she puts on all these airs and graces, and then he gets her into bed just like all the other guys anyway. As far as I can see, it's just like all those nights driving through the tunnel, except this time she might actually give a shit (sorry) about him. Which is worse. Why can't you ever save anybody?

I've tried to be less catty about new people after the awful things I said about Sam and Charlie, so when Charlie started probing me for information about him I just said he was 'cut and hunky' because it was still true without being offensive, and I just brushed over his personality. Charlie sees right through him though, and not just because he likes Sam, but because that's just the way he his. The difference between Charlie and I is that Charlie will see the good in him anyway (e.g. he makes Sam happy) whereas I just can't stand the creep.

Love always,

Patrick


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

December 21st, 1991

Dear friend,

Sorry it's been a while since I last wrote. I've been spending a lot of time loving it up with Brad. It's so different now that he's sober, and now that he will let me hold him after sex. He still doesn't like to talk too much without our clothes on, which is weird considering all the other intimate things we do with no clothes on!

Anyway I just had to write and tell you about what's been happening this Christmas. Firstly, we all got roped into doing Sam's Secret Santa game again this year. I always dread getting someone like Mary Elizabeth because I know I will not be able to resist getting her a hair salon voucher or something that she would find equally as offensive. Luckily though, I got Charlie. Thank God I got Charlie. I decided to get him this really smart suit because I figured if he's going to be a writer he needs to start taking himself seriously. Plus what guy doesn't look hot in a suit? I realised quite early on that we had actually gotten each other. In fact, the first present I received was a mix tape with that Smiths song, 'Asleep' on it. It's a beautiful song, full of sadness. It suits Charlie perfectly because he's always beautiful and sad looking. It's not that he never smiles, because he does, quite a lot actually, especially with Sam and me. There's just something inside of him that isn't there in the rest of us, and I can't quite place my finger on what it is. He never brings up Michael, or the time in the hospital (which Sam and I found out was true) and I guess he doesn't want to. I thought about it one night when we were driving home, and I figured if Sam ever shot herself I'd probably end up in a hospital and never talk about it again either. Some things are just irreversible, and I guess they change you forever.

I knew Charlie had put it on their though because he always talks about it. He rarely ever talks about anything, but if he does its usually about Asleep, or one of Bill's books. I also received some watercolours, a harmonica and some magnetic poetry. Clearly Charlie thinks I'm more gifted than I actually am. I'm rubbish at most things except making people laugh, but still, I've found the watercolours fun to experiment with, and I like to use the harmonica to make awkward social situations more awkward and painful for those involved. I guess being nicer didn't really pan out too well for me. I'm still trying though. The one thing that made my eyes well up a bit when I opened it was this book about Harvey Milk. I remember rambling on about him to Charlie, trying to remind him that just because you're gay, doesn't mean you have to sneak around all your life like me and Brad. (I guess I was trying to remind myself too). Anyway, usually no one pays the slightest attention to my rants and raves, and Charlie was being so quiet I thought he'd zoned out. That's what I love about Charlie, he listens better than anybody else. After that I knew I really wanted to make sure Charlie knew the suit meant something, you know? That'd I'd really thought about it. I guess that's why I delivered it to him piecemeal, so that on the night, I could unveil the finished article.

So, everyone arrived at our house and we were all eager to give out the secret santa gifts. Charlie revealed (shockingly) that he was my secret santa and I smiled at him. Then he said the last present was a poem, and he stood up all official, his hands trembling slightly, and i realised he was about to recite it for me. I was so surprised because Charlie usually doesn't take centre stage, but he kept his voice steady and his eyes on the page. The poem was the first indication Charlie ever gave that he really trusted us. I won't write it out for you now because it feels too personal, even though he said it wasn't him who wrote it. To me it will always be Charlie's poem. I guess it was his way of letting us know how fucked up he felt inside. It's sort of something I already figured out, but I'd been waiting months for him to confide in me. Ever since I told him about me and Brad. It broke my heart listening to him read it to me, and I wanted to hug him, but at the same time I felt like he was too fragile to touch. Looking back this sounds like such a rubbish excuse, I'm such a crap friend. I should have just powered through and hugged him anyway, let him know I was there, but I couldn't. Suddenly it was all too real, and Charlie's eyes didn't look deep but glazed over, like he was stuck somewhere else and we weren't even there anymore. Then suddenly the poem ended, and his eyes came back, except they felt deeper than before, and I had to look away before I got sucked in.

I quickly darted up to give him the suit, anything to make me feel less guilty about saying and doing absolutely nothing. I think the suit might have confused him slightly. I tried really hard to make it special for him, and in some ways I feel like I let him down, especially after the poem, and then when he gave out all these really personalised gifts to everybody.

He gave Sam this old vinyl record, with this note that made Sam flush like a tomato and look all weepy eyed. Then they went upstairs so Sam could give Charlie this typewriter she bought for him. I don't really know if anything else happened up there, but neither of them have said all that much since.

Love always,

Patrick


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

January 1st, 1992

Dear friend,

Happy new year! The night after the Secret Santa party Sam and I left with our parents to go to the Grand Canyon. I considered this a violation of my freedom but once we were there I realised the views were spectacular. I was a bit worried about leaving Charlie on his birthday at first, what with the poem he read out and everything, and there wasn't really any time to call him. My dad is one of these people who writes an itinary for the holiday, so as not to let anyone rest or enjoy a single second of it. Even Sam tried to sneak away to call him in the evening but her mum agreed that this was important 'family time' where we should bond. As if me and Sam hanging out together all year wasn't good enough for them.

Anyway, we finally got a chance to meet up with Charlie at the Big Boy last night before Bob's party. His face was ghostly white and he had these massive panda eyes. He lit up when he saw Sam, and he nodded and listened intently to her, frankly, boring stories about the Grand Canyon. It was when Craig cuddled up next to her that he got this harrowing look in his eyes, and he needed to find things to do with his hands, fiddling with the coffee cup or smoothing down his hair. It was heartbreaking to watch. I know how he feels because Brad keeps seeing this girl, Natalie. He says it would look weird as he is the quarterback if he didn't have a girlfriend and that it isn't the same, but it still feels like a punch to the stomach when he kisses her cheek or holds her hand down the hallway.

I suggested we make a move just so that I didn't have to sit and watch it anymore, and when we arrived at the party Charlie found a place next to Mary Elizabeth and Alice, letting Mary Elizabeth moan away any bad thoughts in his head. (That didn't sound nice, but it was supposed to be a compliment).

It's from there that I don't know how things went so steadily downhill. Me and Brad took ourselves off somewhere quiet, and he even let me hold him for a bit afterwards When I came back a few hours later Mary Elizabeth said she gave him some sort of LSD, and that Sam and Craig disappeared to one of the upstairs bedrooms. I wanted to tell her she was a fucking idiot for giving someone like Charlie LSD and then not following him, but I was trying to be a nicer person and not draw attention to why I hadn't been around so I just shook my head at her and walked off. I asked a few people if they'd seen him. Most of the people had no idea who he even was, and the other half said something about him shovelling the driveway. I looked outside and there was this big, clear circle in the middle of the driveway, and a spade, but no sign of Charlie. I realised at about 4am that he had gone completely AWOL, and that's when panic really started to set in. I've never really panicked about anybody before. Even when Brad was passed out on the bed, I knew where he was and what was wrong, I just didn't know how to fix it and it made me really depressed. It was different with Charlie, of course he was sad about Sam, and I guess about Michael too, but I didn't really know what was wrong or where he was, and the last real thing he'd said to me was the awful poem, and what ifs?

I didn't want to disturb Sam and Craig, not while they were upstairs, and I didn't want to phone his house, in case they came to Bob's and saw all the kids here on LSD and phoned the police.. I couldn't drive anywhere, not with the amount of alcohol I'd had, so I wandered round the nearby streets for a bit in vain. Then when I got back Ponytail Derek had turned up, and he was chatting up some girl that wasn't Charlie's sister. I sunk to a new low and asked him what he was doing here. He said Candice (that's Charlie sister) had had to go home because her brother had been taken to hospital, and I wasn't to tell anyone about this other girl. Then he did this really patronising wink and smiled t me. I turned to the girl and said "I heard he's got gonarehhea" before storming off. I'm really annoyed that I said it too because I'm trying to be a nicer person, but I was just so angry that Charlie had been given LSD and was now in hospital, and honestly nobody deserves to be cheated on by someone as dopey as ponytail Derek. I grabbed another drink and lost the rest of the night/morning somewhere at the bottom of it. Now Brad's not speaking to me because he can't believe I would waste our night together getting inebriated (he's a fine one to talk!) Sam's not speaking to me because I didn't tell her, and I'm not speaking to her because she eventually told me that she had kissed Charlie, and now she's off having sex with Craig and if she hadn't then none of this would have happened. Mary Elizabeth's not speaking to me because I was rude to her, and Alice isn't speaking to me because she's a sheep and can't think for herself. I heard an hour or so ago that Charlie is okay and that he passed out on the ground by his house. I just hope he gets out and better soon because I've pissed off everybody else and now there's no-one to talk to!

Love Always

Patrick


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

January 14th, 1992

Dear friend,

So it turns out teenagers are fickle creatures. Mary Elizabeth couldn't even remember she was mad at me, which meant in turn, that Alice wasn't either. I'm not too bothered about Ponytail Derek either way, and Sam, well, she was a little harder to crack.

She didn't say much to me for a whole three days, which is a long time for Sam to not say anything. I, being an adult about the situation, pretended I was still ignoring her, even though I wasn't really, because when I thought about it she couldn't help if Charlie liked her. I still think she shouldn't have kissed him and said she loved him though, because it messes things up, and Charlie's messy enough as it is.

On the third day we were both sitting downstairs watching Saturday Night Live with our parents, and there was this really funny clip, and I caught her looking at me to see if I was laughing. Every time I looked back at her she'd flick her eyes away like she couldn't care less but I knew she'd given up being mad by that point. Charlie was okay so there wasn't anything much to worry about. (I mean, I say he was okay, but when I went round to check on him he'd shaved half of his hair off and he looked dog tired with those red rimmed eyes. Seriously, they were like those cartoon eyeballs you can get in joke shops. I didn't even know real people could actually look like that. I said he looked 'Chic' which made him smile. Charlie was still in there, somewhere.

Anyway, even without the eye contact from Sam I knew I was forgiven. Then she sidled up to me during one of my morning cigarette breaks at school, and bummed a fag, and I knew the war was over.

"Oh God that Mr Callahan knows how to drag out a morning" I told her, yawning.

"You should feel lucky, at least you don't have to sit there and listen to Mrs Wilson ramble on about her Osteoporosis. I swear if she uses brittle bones as an excuse for not getting off her arse one more time I'll scream"

I chuckled at that one.

"So, look, I'm sorry about blaming you for Charlie, it wasn't your fault" I admitted weakly.

"Your damn right it wasn't my fault" She said indignantly, slapping my arm playfully.

"I guess I'm sorry for getting annoyed at you too. I doubt Craig would have appreciated you running in to tell us that anyway"

I nodded slightly, inhaling deeply on my cigarette. As I looked up I saw Charlie staggering towards us, wearing the suit I had bought him for Secret Santa

"Looking sharp Charlie"

"Can I have a cigarette?" He gasped quickly. I was about to open up my packet when Sam stepped between us

"What's wrong Charlie?"

He started speaking really quickly, and disjointedly, about all these things he'd looked up about LSD and the brain and dragons and his hair and the snow and new years.

"So you had a bad trip?" I asked casually, trying to play it down.

Then Sam put her arm around his shoulder, and I bit my tongue as she calmed him down, because actually, although Sam wasn't good for him in some ways (like the fact he wanted to be more than her friend) she was amazing for him in other ways (Like helping him to steady his mind). Then she had the audacity to take one of my cigarettes and handed it to him. I widened my eyes at her sheer nerve, and then grumpily put the pack back in my pocket. Oh sure, it's okay for her to give him a cigarette.

It took a while for Charlie to calm down, his hands shook and he looked all skinny and sweaty in the suit, like he hadn't slept. Finally something Sam said made him laugh, and I did a nervous laugh, mainly because I was relieved. Once he was calm Charlie darted back towards the school building. He's not a slacker like me and Sam, he actually likes to sit and listen to the long, drawn out speeches from the teachers. Particularly this one English teacher, Bill, who Charlie talks about, usually when he's defending some book. He does not like it when people slate Bill's books.

I took a deep breath, because the next bit was going to be tough.

"Listen, Sam, about what I said, about Charlie, and the kiss..."

"I know, Patrick." She said, cutting me short.

I eyed her up

"I shouldn't have done it. It was just, I told him all the stuff about my dad, and his boss, and he just listened like it didn't make me some sort of slut or, or changed me at all. It was so comforting. Then when he said he'd never been kissed before, I just felt like I owed him that, and I do love him Patrick"

"Look, Sam, I know" I held my hand up to stop her before she really went off on one and started crying on me or anything. "I do, and he is a really, freakishly good listener. But the thing is, he's not, alright? You know? I mean, I didn't really see it at first, not even after you told me that stuff about Michael. I just thought it was something he needed to get over, but it's more than that. With Charlie, I don't think he was ever any different, not even when Michael was still alive. It's like his brain is wired differently you know? I think that's what makes him so different, why he can listen and understand all these things. I mean, I hardly get some of the stuff he comes out with and he's still 3 years younger than me. It's brilliant because without it he wouldn't be Charlie, but it's not at the same time you know? Like the LSD and the kissing and that sort of stuff. It's no good for him."

"I know" she whispered, and she got this sad, faraway look in her eye.

Then I put my arm around her, because maybe she had wanted to kiss Charlie for other reasons, and perhaps she had good reason for keeping a distance. All I really know is the look on her face when I'd told her he was in hospital. Or the way she had put her arm around him and told him to stare at the smoke, or the way her face looked right now.

Love always,

Patrick


	11. Chapter 11

February 8th, 1992

Dear friend,

I haven't been this happy since... well it's been so long I actually can't remember. Things are just good, no, great!

You see we've all been working on the Punk version of Rocky Horror, and I thought as a little joke/treat I'd pose naked (only from behind, of course). Well, I didn't think she'd agree but Mary Elizabeth actually let it go to print! This was amazing because finally, Brad could have a picture of me for those times when we just couldn't meet up together. I look pretty hot if I do say so myself. I always have thought my bum is one of my best features! I swore the others to secrecy because I just do not need the drama that would create at school. They (you know, those popular kids who used to be my friends, apparently) well, like to tease me bad enough for being, 'effeminate' (as you can imagine, that is not the word that they would use, I'm sugar coating it a little bit), but there is no way for me to not play Frank N Furter without them finding out and I'm not about to miss out on such an amazing time just because of them!

So I went down that night (after the release of my beautiful backside to the world) to flaunt my stuff, and what should happen? Craig hasn't shown up. (Typical). He didn't say why, and Sam definitely didn't know because she had this worried look in her eye. And not the type of worried like we were for Charlie at New Years, a different type of worried (you know what I mean). So there I was, all dolled up with no Rocky. Brad, obviously, refused to do it, which left poor little Charlie. In a way, the part suited him perfectly. A new born babe entering the wicked underworld for the first time. He looked pretty cute in the gold pants, and he got to cop a feel of Sam's boobs, which left this ridiculously goofy grin on his face for the rest of the evening. It was so refreshing to see him so happy. I knew it was only temporary, but still, it felt wonderful. There was this one point where he had this feather boa draped over his chest and I couldn't stop myself from cracking up! It was just so unlike him.

I wish we could all just stay like this forever.

Love Always

Patrick


	12. Chapter 12

March 7th, 1992

Dear friend,

So it turns out that the gold pants do something for women, as well as queer men like myself. That's what I put this bizarre situation down to at any rate. So after Charlie's debut in the Punk Rocky Horror Mary Elizabeth asked him on a date. I imagine Charlie was like a dear in headlights and just said yes for fear of Mary Elizabeth trampling over his sensitive nature. So they ended up going on a date to the Sadie Hawkins Dance, where Charlie spent the whole night pining for Sam, Sam spent the whole night pining for Craig (who refused to go with her, like an arse) Mary Elizabeth spent the night draping herself over Charlie and I spent the night pining over Brad who was getting his face suked off by Natalie. I'm convinced the only person who actually had a good time was Natalie, and possibly the teachers.

Ever since this awful display of human confusion, Mary Elizabeth has had Charlie in a chokehold, dragging him through her everyday dilemmas and parading him as her boyfriend for all the world. Charlie, to give him his due, is trying desperately to stay above water in what, for him, is a very new situation. He smiles, he nods, he keeps his arm placed firmly around her at all times. The only problem is that I, and I'm pretty sure everyone we know, knows that this is a train wreck just waiting to derail. I mean, honestly. Sensitive, sweet Charlie and the angriest Buddhist to walk the earth? No. This is not true love.

I've been in this group circle long enough to know when girls have a plan hatched, and I have this awful feeling its about Mary Elizabeth's deflowering of Charlie. They've been whispering in the corner of the cafeteria for over half hour and not one of them has cried (which would mean its about a break up) so that leaves sex. Its weird because when Sam was giving Charlie all this advice about sex and how to treat a lady at our house she was warm and honest and smiling, but now that she's over in the corner with Mary Elizabeth she has the look of death about her. It's like she's imagining stabbing Mary Elizabeth in between the eyes over and over again.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it's uncannily similar to the way I look at Natalie when she's making out with Brad.

Love always

Patrick


	13. Chapter 13

April 18th, 1992

Dear friend,

Things have gone from the bizarre to the bat shit crazy around here. It seems weird to me how a relationship, no matter how fleeting, can mess up everything else good there is going on, even if you're not one of the people in it!

Last time I left off I'd told you about the strange sexual advances of Mary Elizabeth towards sweet, dear Charlie. She was like a fat kid in a sweet shop, she just couldn't get enough of him. Charlie, however, like a diabetic, became pale and shaky from all of this indulgence, till he finally seemed to become delusional and all the sugar killed him. This of course, is a metaphor, Charlie isn't dead, not literally anyway, but he did something so monumentally stupid (and some might argue, brave) that led to our social group imploding on itself.

Let me fill you in from the beginning. As you know, Charlie was receiving some questionable sex advice from Sam and used every morsel of it as though it were gospel (as he does with anything Sam says). This meant that rather than tell Mary Elizabeth he didn't like her mix tapes or that she was wrong about Bill's books being overrated or even that he didn't actually like her, he sat and endured all of it, to the point where it became pretty unbearable to watch. He let her talk at him about non events for hours before, during and after school, and tell him if he looked rubbish or had done something wrong. Honestly, I receive less criticism from my parents.

Anyway, this fine display of stupidity had been going on for some weeks. Mary Elizabeth would say how much of a gentlemen Charlie was as he never tried to touch her inappropriately or mentioned sex (this is all drip fed to me from Sam, although I like guys I hardly ever get to sit in on the guy talk – as though it would be betraying women everywhere or something). Of course I knew that really Charlie didn't really want to touch Mary Elizabeth, he wanted to touch Sam. It was written all over his smitten face every time he saw her. Mary Elizabeth had mentioned to Sam a few occasions where she tried to take things further, and Sam spat out every word as she told me like it were poison, which makes no sense as she's supposedly in love with Craig, but I didn't say any of this.

Sam at least was better at hiding her feelings in front of the others than Charlie. Charlie sat, his hand firmly clenched around Mary Elizabeth, a big fake grin plastered over his face, but his eyes would always soften when Sam started speaking, and he'd finally find his voice again. Sam showed ambivalence at best in these situations. I do understand what she's doing in a sense. A patch has been staked out by Mary Elizabeth, that Charlie, even if he weren't with Mary Elizabeth anymore, was now Mary Elizabeth's. This is a sort of unwritten rule by friends, but upholding it becomes more important between Mary Elizabeth and Sam, ever since a few years back when Sam was getting around quite a bit with lots of different guys and one of them just so happened to be Mary Elizabeth's first 'proper' boyfriend. Now, I'm with Mary Elizabeth on this in some respects, as Sam was unbearable in those early days and who does that to a best friend? But I also know from first hand experience just how drunk Sam probably was. I doubt she can even remember the event let alone recall that it was Mary Elizabeth's crush at the time.

Its over now, obviously, water under the bridge and all that. But that's just the thing with stuff like that. You forgive it but if you look under the bridge the water's still there, and if you add too much more it'll flood. Well, I think that might be what eventually happened between Mary Elizabeth and Sam last night. You see, we were all round our house, as usual, and we had started up a game of truth or dare. Now, I guess part of this was my fault, and maybe I knowingly put Charlie in an impossible position on purpose, because I knew and had known for ages just how miserable this whole situation was making him, myself and Sam (although Sam would never admit it). I didn't expect him to follow through on the dare, I just thought maybe he would realise that things needed to end. Ok, so maybe I didn't really know what I was thinking, I'd had a few brandy's, and I was sick of all the fake relationships okay? Brad and Natalie, Sam and Craig, Charlie and Mary Elizabeth. What was the point of being with someone who you didn't really care about? I guess there are no real excuses for what I did, but please just don't judge me too much.

"Charlie, truth or dare" I asked, drumming my hands together

Charlie looked a bit spaced out, but then Charlie often did.

"What's it to be Charlie?"

"Dare I guess"

"Okay, I dare you to kiss the prettiest girl in the room, on the lips" it blurted out of my mouth before I knew exactly what I'd said. Of course, everyone except for me was very disappointed by the waste of such a rubbish dare. Charlie had a girlfriend, of course it would be her.

Except that it wasn't.

He turned silently towards Sam, leant towards her, and kissed her softly on the lips, where he stayed for a brief moment. When he pulled away it was like his mind, and mine, both woke up to what we'd done. I stared at them What the fuck had I been thinking? This was my idea of rectifying a situation? I'd just steered a train crash into our living room, deliberately. I really am not a very nice person.

Mary Elizabeth stood up, obviously trying not to cry

"Mary Elizabeth" Charlie said, finally waking up to the severity of what we'd done. She ran out of the room like she was fleeing a bear or a serial killer, and Charlie stood there gormlessly watching her. Then Sam got up too, and his emotions heightened

"Sam" he pleaded, as she went to follow Mary Elizabeth.

She turned and stared at him. This incredulous, bewildered stare. She looked pained, not pleased that he'd kissed her. Maybe I'd been wrong about her feelings all this time.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" She asked him. Except it wasn't a joke, and it wasn't even that mean, it was almost as if she was scared, or confused by him. I guess we were all thinking the same thing. It's the type of scenario every teenager plays out in their head – the things they want to do, but for everybody else, social pressure and fear of rejection stop us dead. We'd never dream of carrying it through into real life like Charlie did.

He looked like a puppy that had just been shot. He flinched and suddenly he seemed a lot weaker and smaller than he had been 10 minutes ago. Sam turned to follow Mary Elizabeth, and I felt this sick, bellyache at the bottom of my stomach that I get when I know something is all my fault. So I stood up and took Charlie out of the house.

"I really think I should go apologise" he said shakily.

I shook my head at him "Believe me you do not want to go back in there" I said, knowing that anything he said now would get the same or a worse response from both girls.

"Come on. I'll take you home" I said, jiggling my keys at him. That's when Charlie really started to cry. I opened the car door and on the way home he told me all these strange details about his and Mary Elizabeth's relationship, about the books and records she put down, and tiny things that seemed to mean a lot to him. He said Mary Elizabeth never asked him any questions, which I realised, was one of the same things that would annoy me about Brad.

"It's too bad you're not gay" I said quietly, which seemed to make him laugh and stop the crying from being so intense.

"Then again if you were gay I'd never date you, you're a mess. I thought Brad was fucked up. Jesus" We both laughed at this but I knew it wasn't true. I wish Brad was more like Charlie. Sure, Charlie's problem was that he was too honest, well at least, that was the problem most of the time, that and the faraway look he gets in his eye. Brad isn't honest enough. I'm not sure anymore which is worse.

When we pulled up to Charlie's house he said "You know, Patrick? If I were gay I'd date you too" and I smiled, because that was probably the nicest thing anyone had ever said. Other guys would never say that to me, no matter how much of a friend they were.

Since then I haven't really seen much of Charlie. Sam has told me we need to 'be there' for Mary Elizabeth. I wanted to tell her we didn't all need to make up for sleeping with past crushes and we were still Charlie's friends too, but somehow, from the look on her face, I knew it wouldn't go down well. I told Charlie I'd try and speak to him as soon as I could, but I haven't yet.

Love always

Patrick.


End file.
